SELF-HELP
by philnyee
Summary: 22 year old Daniel Howell faces the challenges of life as he's forced to make a choice. Does he trust the man behind the desk, or does he let go, and give in to his destructive behavior? His mind drifts in a place it shouldn't, and Dan is faced with a permanent decision. Warning: Possible graphic scenes, smut and mentions of mental illnesses.
1. Chapter 1

Self-help  
a dan and phil fanfiction.  
Enjoy.

On a day like this, Dan had a lot of better things to do. Anything was better.

Dan gripped the cushioned chair and waited, vaguely remembering what had occurred the night before.

He recalled his mother slamming her hands against the table and exclaiming, "That's it Dan! You're getting help!" He threw fit after fit, but his mum wasn't going to budge. Her movements were clumsy with anger as she called the office he was now in, and assigning him a regular psychiatrist.

 _This was NOT necessary,_ he thought crossly. He picked at his fingers and avoided eye contact with the receptionist as she gazed around the room.

"Daniel Howell?"

This was it.  
Dan considered making a run for it, but his mother would be furious with him if she had found out he skipped the appointment. He didn't want to tell his problems to some old lady while she dozed off! Fighting his instinct, he stood and smiled awkwardly. The receptionist gave him a warm expression and told him, " Far door on the left."

Dan wound his way through the hallway, tripping over his own feet in nervousness.

He smoothed his shirt and stared at the floor. If he acted as though nothing bothered him, the psychiatrist would have no reason to keep him, and his mother would be forced to cancel his appointments.

He glanced into the door and saw a big computer screen shielding the person from behind their desk. There were an array of chairs to choose from, casual wooden ones in front of the person, and bean bags slouched in the corner. Tiny figurines marked the front of the desk.

Taking a deep breath, Dan gave the door a hard knock. The person immediately strained their neck over the computer, all he saw at first was a pale face shielded by hair.

"Daniel? Come in!" The person stood, and Dan gazed with surprise. He was not an old lady, nor did he look ready to doze off. He was tall, about Dan's height, with black hair going across his forehead. His eyes gleamed under his rimmed glasses and he smiled without a trace of mockery. He gestured to the bean bags, but Dan sat down on the hard wooden chair stubbornly. The psychiatrist blinked and sat down.

"So Daniel, how was your day?" The man leaned forward. His tie pressed up against the desk as he rested his chin on his hands.

"It was fine." Dan's voice was flat. He was going to pull this off. "Really, what made it fine?" Dan blinked, surprised.

"Um, I'm not sure." His tone jumped as he came across such an odd question. His eyes immediately flicked around the room for something to look at, and his eyes rested on the name plate in big letters.

DR. LESTER

Dr. Lester's eyes left his and he began to flip through a stack of papers he had on his desk.

"Well, let's get to it, shall we. Here it says you study law. Is that right?" Dan nodded.

"How's that going?" he asked.

 _Terrible. Awful. Retched_.

"Fine."

Dr. Lester blinked again. "Tell me about university life. What's it like?" Dan hesitated, before explaining his dorm and his teachers in as much little detail as possible.

Uncomfortableness prickled his skin like insects. Dr. Lester listened intently, his blue eyes not straying from Dan's face.

"I really enjoyed football games and whatnot, but that was before-" Dan immediately cut himself off, as he realizes his rambling almost revealed something personal. Dr. Lester didn't move or give a sign he noticed. "Before I noticed how difficult uni was." It was a total lie, and Dr. Lester knew it.

He didn't press, and asked him about family, friends, homework, and Dan found himself slowly slipping in as time ticked by.

As he described how much the dark woodland made him fearful, Dan's arms shot up to help iterate his fear, and his sleeves rolled back to reveal light lines stretching across his arm, old and fading. Immediately his arms went down, and his knuckle slammed against the chair in the process. He gasped in pain, cradling the bruised finger. Dan looked up and found Dr. Lester had hesitated, his eyes searching him in surprise.

"Are you alright Daniel?" His voice hit a higher octave as he stood, his eyes boring into Dan. "Shall I call someone?"

This could be his chance. He could get out early. Before he could confirm, he found himself shaking his head.

 _Why the hell did I do that?_

Dan cringed as the psychiatrist sat down. The rest of the time melted away as Dr. Lester attempted to resume asking him questions, and Dan spat one word replies, annoyed with himself.

At last, the timer went off. He could go home. He stood abruptly, and immediately fell back again as the blood rushed to his head. _I really needed to lay off the junk food._

Dr. Lester's eyes didn't leave his face as he said a farewell.

"I'll see you... Thursday. How does that sound?"

 _Thursday?! That's two days away!_

"Why so soon?" Dan asked, attempting respect. "I'd like to check up on you further," was all the doctor replied. For a moment, they both stared at each other, then Dr. Lester cleared his throat and turned to head to his desk.

Dan left.

He got a taxi back to his apartment, and that was that.

Dan sorted the events out through his head, frustrated by his thoughts. Dan could remember every detail Dr. Lester's face, and as much as he tried to distract himself with music and the internet, his mind kept finding its way back to the appointment.

Stubbornly, Dan angrily shook his head. He wasn't going to give in to the psychiatrist. He wasn't!

End of Chapter One. Please give any constructive criticism or your opinion on it! Thanks for reading, see you soon for Chapter Two.

-G


	2. Chapter 2

Self-Help  
a dan and phil fanfiction  
chapter 2  
Enjoy.

Dan's eyes focused on the TV, his fingers gripping the controller until his knuckles were white. He was losing a particularly difficult game of Crash Bandicoot, & it wasn't helping with his feelings.

He'd spent his Wednesday walking on air, he aimlessly did things around the house without thought, until he found himself just as frustrated as before.

Dan's head jerked up as he heard the door to his home slam, and he stood abruptly. His dad was home.

His keys clattered loudly across the house and Dan tensed.

"Dan!" he cringed.  
He abandoned his game and forced his body into the living room, facing his father. James Howell's eyes were glazed over, his appearance a wreck.

"What did you do today?" James leaned forward and his rank breath billowed into Dan's face, causing him to flinch.

"Judging by the way you look, I suppose nothing. When are you gonna get off your ass, Dan?" he paused, and studied his son. "You weren't making those videos again, were you? I won't tolerate you being a worthless son."

Dan had started a YouTube channel called danisnotonfire, expressing his interests and enjoying himself, before his father forced him to shut it down. "You're making yourself look like an idiot! Is this how you're taking the family name?" he had said.

Dan put his hands up and shook his head. James watched him through narrowed eyes, before spinning around and bumping into the kitchen island.

Taking that as an excuse to leave, Dan bounded back up the stairs, closing the door lightly. Dan sat with his head in his hands for a few moments, troubled. Times like this brought memories he shoved back into the depths of his mind, buried so far back he could hardly recall them.

Then he remembered Dr. Lester. Why was he thinking of him of all people? Dan remembered his surprise as he realized the psychiatrist's eyes weren't just blue, but a shocking array of colours. The lines on his face, the faintest of stubble, the crinkle of his eyes, his crooked nose... Dan's heartbeat slowed as he drifted, with Dr. Lester's face fresh on his mind.

Dan jerked up when he realized he had gone into a doze. The outside sky was just breaking into a dawn, the birds beginning to sing to one another.

He briskly showered, & shrugged on an average black and white striped sweater and skinny jeans.

"Ow!" he gasped while straightening his hair. His fingers had brushed the hot metal while he slowly disappeared into his thoughts.

Grappling with the hot object, Dan managed to tame his curls and he fiddled with the fringe, admiring his handy work. Dan quickly got dressed, and checked the clock.

 _10:43_

He better leave soon, or else he'd be late to the appointment. He shrugged on a jacket and left the house, too quick to notice he hadn't eaten anything.

The sky was a threatening grey, as if it would burst at any moment and bruise the ground in pools of water. Dan shook the feeling of dread while exiting the taxi and eyeing the familiar building.

The same receptionist greeted him with a grin, and he sat in the same chair as he had two days ago. He spent his wait playing games on his phone, not entirely focused on one thing. Waiting for what seemed like forever, the lady finally called his name in the familiar high tone. As he stood, he noticed her name tag: CORNELIA. She smiled around her thick glasses and gestured to the hallway.

Once again, he felt the same burning nervousness, but not entirely similar as the last time.

This time, the door was shut, Dan politely knocked, his heart thumping.

"Come in." A lady answered.

What? That wasn't Dr. Lester!

He opened the door slowly, peeking his eyes into the office. A lady with long blonde hair was rifling through his drawers, not bothering to look up.

He stood in the doorway and waited for some sort of explanation. Dan heard a toilet flush in the far corner, and Dr. Lester came out drying his hands, his eyes crinkling to a smile as he noticed Dan's awkward posture.

"Daniel! Good to see you again!'' He turned to the lady. "Did you find the papers you needed, Alice?" She responded with a grumble, and stood.

Office Romance. Dan understood what he was seeing.

"I'll come by after the appointment and search one more time. I know I left them in here somewhere!" Her lips puckered, and she turned to leave. She swayed her hips tantalizingly, but Dr. Lester gave no sign that he saw what she had done.

"So Mr. Howell, how have you been since the last time I saw you?" He sat down, and tangled his fingers together, gazing at Dan.

Immediately he remembered his alcoholic father, burning his finger on a hair straightener, losing several games of Crash Bandicoot in a row, and falling asleep to the thought of Dr. Lester. Why was that coming to his mind now of all times?

"It was fine."

"Did you do anything in particular?"

"Not really."

Dr. Lester's eyes searched his, giving nothing away. He leaned back, and sighed.

"Daniel, you have to understand. It's my job to help you. I can't do anything unless you meet me half-way, and I'd rather not decide who you are by your papers." Dan's eyes widened with shock at his statement. Before now, Dr. Lester had never made such a direct comment.

The tall man behind the desk stood and walked around to where Dan was sitting, only to plop down in the uncomfortable wooden chair next to him. There were things about Dr. Lester he hadn't noticed before, like the smile lines, and the smell of aftershave.

He couldn't be over 30! Dan was shocked by his youth, but said nothing.

"May I?" Dr. Lester's hands reached out for permission. Permission for what?

Dan nodded, confused. The dark haired man's fingers found his sleeve, and pushed down to reveal the younger's wrist.

At once Dan flinched and jerked his arm; Dr. Lester immediately released him.

Why had he done that? Why? Why? Why?

"I want you to tell me about your life, Daniel. When all of this started, what made you quit." Dr. Lester's voice was calm, but asserting a tone that showed his authority.

"I... Um..." Dan was lost for words. "My dad." He began awkwardly.

"What do you mean?" Dr. Lester's milky gaze watched him closely, Dan was almost mesmerized.

He began mumbling about his childhood, where he adapted to dodging objects being thrown at him, learning to tune out the mocking voices in Secondary School. He meekly mentioned nightmares and his dissociation that ate him away. He did not mention the parties, or the drugs, or the screaming that echoed in his mind.

Talking about the situations he despised so much made anger boil in the pit of his stomach. He dreamt day after day of a better life, a life where he would just make better decisions. An array of dark feelings that had been bottled up for years began to threaten to erupt.

"And the worst part of it was," Dan's voice began to change octaves from fury, his eyes crinkling, "It could have been prevented if I didn't make such stupid fucking decisions!" Dan's hands slapped the edges of the chair, hardly aware of Dr. Lester's gasp.

He spun around and went for the door. "Wait!" Dr. Lester made it there first, blocking Dan's exit. "Get out of my way." Dan muttered. "I didn't want to come here. I didn't want to talk about this, because this is what happens!" Dr. Lester's eyebrows were furrowed with intense worry, his lips turned in a hard frown. "Please, just... Let me out." Dan whispered, fighting the wave of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him at any moment.

Dr. Lester's eyes were searching his expression desperately, before moving out of the doorframe. "I can't force you to stay, but this isn't the end of our sessions. I'll see you soon."


	3. Chapter 3

Self-Help  
a dan and phil fanfiction  
chapter 3  
Enjoy.

"Mum, come on!" Dan's voice was desperate. "I don't have my wallet, I can't get home! Please, come get me." As soon as Dan had stepped outside, thunder crackled over his head as rain erupted from the sky, the storm finally releasing. As he spoke, lighting flashed the sky, along with another bout of thunder.

"Dan, you know I can't. I'm in a meeting!" His mother's voice was unchanged to Dan's issue. "You'll just have to phone a friend or something. Good luck honey, have to run, bye now."

"Wait!" Dan gasped, but his mother had already hung up. He sat on the dry concrete guarded by a patio outside the office. Dan was so frustrated, he hadn't noticed he didn't grab his wallet on the way out. Now he was trapped, with no one to call and no where to go. He'd have to wait for the rain to stop so he could walk the way home. How far away was eleven kilometers?

Really, what was his mother thinking? He didn't have friends to just phone up and give him a ride! Dan scoffed at the idea.

He curled his knees into his chest, and watched the falling pools of water. The noise of the storm began to lull him to a doze, and he began fighting sleepiness.

"Daniel?" A soft, questioning voice woke him. Startled, Dan blinked wearily. It was darker now, the only brightness coming from a street lamp farther back. The office behind him was dark, the person looming over him barely a shadow.

Immediately, Dan was jolted awake and his mind ran through every fighting method he ever knew, which was a karate class he took in grade 3.

Slender, pale hands came into view in an attempt to calm him. "Daniel, it's only me." With Dan more awake, he recognized with shock that it was Dr. Lester that standing over him. "What are you doing sitting here? Do you know what time it is?"

When Dan didn't answer, Dr. Lester spoke again. "You're lucky it was me who found you, you could have been mugged, or worse." Without the formal tone, Dr. Lester's voice fluttered an array of octaves, speaking quickly. "Do you need a ride home?"

Dan immediately shook his head, cringing at their awkward encounter. "How are you planning on getting home, then?"

"Walking."

"Oh Daniel, no! Let me help you. You can't even risk taking the tube home this late, I've got you covered." Dr. Lester clearly wasn't planning on changing his mind. He helped Dan up with one hand, and began trudging into the rain. When Dan didn't immediately follow, he turned around.

"Coming?" He shielded his eyes from the water, squinting at him. Seeing as this was better than sleeping at the office, Dan followed Dr. Lester into the hissing rain. The coldness bit at him like a real wound, the rain was not far off from being snow. The older man veered towards the only car left in the lot, which was a black BMW. Snazzy, Dan noted.

When they were in the car, Dr. Lester switched on the light, and Dan was greeted with a pale face with black hair plastered to the sides. The harsh glow emitted from the light changed his skin to pure white, the array of moles plastered on his face were invisible. When Dan continued to gape, he noticed the white collared shirt Dr. Lester was wearing was soaked through, his fair flesh visible underneath the fabric. Dan looked away, his skin prickling.

This man could have been a model! Why did he choose to spend his life doing some boring job?

Dan flipped the mirror down to gaze at his appearance, and his fringe had begun to curl from the freezing rain that drenched him. Shivering, Dan tried to warm himself up by rubbing his arms. The car started to life with a purr, immediately Dr. Lester's hands found the heater and switched it on.

Dan sighed, enjoying the warmth that seeped into the car.

"Where do you live?" Dr. Lester asked, glancing over at him. Dan quickly mumbled Upper St, and Dr. Lester's car began to move. The car ride was mostly silent, Dan occasionally making small glances over at him, before putting his eyes on the blurred buildings outside of the car.

"So Daniel..." Dr. Lester began.

"Dan." he corrected him. He might as well know what he prefers to be called. Dr. Lester shot him a glance. "Why didn't you correct me sooner?" his voice was incredulous. "I guess it didn't matter..." Dan trailed off.

Dr. Lester's eyes were trained on the road as he continued. " _Dan_ ," he began again, "Why couldn't you get home?"

Dan didn't look at him. "My mum... She was in a meeting."

"And your dad is incapable?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"It's a wonder how you've been getting on in this city without a car." Dr. Lester ventured. As he was speaking, Dan noticed the streets around him began to familiarize even in the darkness, he was getting close to his home.

As he sat in the silence, Dan's belly let out a fierce grumble. _Oh no!_ He gasped.

"Did you eat today?" Dr. Lester inquired.

"It's fine, I'll just eat when I get home." He could order a pizza, or some Chinese, now that his stomach had reminded him, hunger gnawed on his stomach painfully.

He almost didn't want to leave the car, with the safety & warmth it gave. It wasn't a feeling he was particularly used to.

At last, Dr. Lester pulled up to the curb of his miserably small flat, barely enough to fit him and his parents. If his therapist noticed its miniscule size, he didn't make a remark.

"Thank-you, Dr. Lester..." Dan muttered. Dr. Lester nodded and said briskly, "I'll alert you via home phone for your next appointment." As he spoke, he grabbed a napkin and began to scrawl something on it. "Be careful, and let me know if you need a ride anywhere in the future. These streets are dangerous." He handed Dan the napkin, which must have been his personal cell number.

Dan nodded his thanks & sauntered for his front door. By the looks of it, his parents weren't home. The lights were off, the building giving off an ominous glow.

Glancing behind him, Dr. Lester was still watching him through the window, making sure he made it in safely.

 _No one had ever gone out of their way to make sure he was safe._ His cheeks burned with the unusual gesture of kindness.

Dan gave the door the usual hard jerk for it to swing open, but instead the door did not move. He pushed again, with more force. Nothing.

"Is something the matter?" Dr. Lester called from inside his car.

Horror swelled in his belly as he realized he was locked out with no way of entering. No key, no unlocked window. Fear and anxiety crashed over him as was overwhelmed with such a shitty day, he began to panic.

Dan spun around and met his eyes. Dr. Lester immediately opened the car door and made his way to Dan's side and gazed at him. "Dan?"

"It's nothing! You can go!" Dan choked down his fear as he tried to pull off that everything was fine. Dr. Lester didn't move or say anything, just stared at him.

No, he wasn't staring at Dan. His eyes weren't focused on anything, the gears of his brain were turning as he gave the situation extreme thought. His lips parted, and closed.

Suddenly, Dan understood why he had chosen this career choice. This man was a genius, thinking critically to every situation that was put in front of him.

Dan wanted to know more about him, the curiosity gnawed at his mind. For a moment, he forgot about his issue and focused solely on Dr. Lester.

At last, the therapist's eyes focused and rested on Dan's, and for a moment they locked eye contact, Dr. Lester turned and gazed at the door.

"No one's home, no way in." He commented. "I can't leave you at here, it's almost below negative in temperature. For tonight, you can sleep in my flat." Dan took a step back, and Dr. Lester continued, "I can drop you off safely before work. I understand the circumstances are strange, but I can't leave you here."

For a moment, he and Dan argued over the matter, and finally Dr. Lester's voice got to a hard edge. "Daniel, you are coming with me."

He gulped.

With this, there was no turning back. Dan could only wonder what awaited him as he was brought back to the warm vehicle.

A new form of self-help, maybe?

END OF CHAPTER THREE.

Let me know if you have any comments or suggestions. I'll try to upload at least once a week, I'm not entirely certain of an exact publish date.

Please let me know if you have any comments or criticisms, I genuinely appreciate them.

Thanks for reading!

-G


	4. Chapter 4

Self-Help

a dan and phil fanfiction

chapter 4

Enjoy

Dan couldn't stop fidgeting.

The car ride to his apartment was all the more awkward, any moment Dan said anything it contained a voice crack or came out uncomfortable.

At last, they pulled into a parking garage in front of a large building with rows upon rows of windows. The flats themselves looked wide and spacious, and as Dan exited the car into the freezing cold, they seemed to loom over him even more.

It had stopped raining by then, everything around them covered in a bitter frost. Dr. Lester turned and said something, but Dan's focus wasn't on him, the vapor that billowed from his mouth struck Dan in the face.

They trudged to the big glass doors in silence, Dr. Lester punched in a pin code quickly & swung open the door. Inside it was warm and toasty, with big elevators on either side. The older male strode towards one; Dan quickly followed.

Once the elevator started for the eleventh floor, they both stood next to each other, waiting.

"By the way..." Dr. Lester began, "It's Phil."

Dan turned to gaze at him. "What?"

"That's my first name. I should have told you that a while ago, but given the circumstance, I feel you can save me the honorifics of Dr. Lester. At least, it's easier."

Phil Lester.

"And even though I try to be fun and a cool guy while in office," Dr. Lester continued, "I have to be formal sometimes. Or else, they'd probably fire me."

He moved to gaze at Dan with the same warm gaze and smiled. There wasn't anything special about the smirk, there wasn't any teeth, but it still gave Dan a feeling he hadn't really received before.

"Thanks, I guess," was all Dan could say. What else was he supposed to say, anyway?

Until what seemed like forever, the elevator finally came to a shuddering stop. Phil quickly left the elevator and spun the corner, leaving Dan to follow quickly, stumbling over his own feet. Why did he have to be clumsy now?

He and Phil passed many identical doors, curious to know which one was his.

The older male stopped abruptly, with Dan almost colliding into him. In big bold numbers read '1142' with a small name plate under it.

'LESTER'

Phil fumbled with keys for a moment; the door swung open, and Dan was ushered inside.

The first thing Dan noticed was the smell. It struck him with such a sweet scent, he bathed in it for a moment. It was so fragrant that he could hardly pick out each smell.

The furniture was a solid gray, surrounding it were an array of bright coloured lamps and books. They gave off a nerdy vibe, something that surprised Dan. He wondered if anyone else lived here along with Phil. Comic books were scattered beside a large Mac Computer with a camera set up.

"Sorry for the mess," Phil began to clean up cans of soda that were abandoned on he coffee table, Dan hadn't even noticed them.

"It's okay..." Dan continued to look around. There was a TV in the far corner with video games piled on it.

"Right," Phil looked around the room and rested his eyes on Dan. "I should probably feed you. You like pizza?" Dan nodded. He mentally made a note to pay Phil back for whatever he owed. "Okay, I'll make a call to order one, you can look around if you want, while I order. In the mean time, what kind of pizza do you like?"

Dan told him, and Phil beamed. "I like Pepperoni and Spinach too! What a coincidence." That smirk again.

He shuffled into another room as Phil placed the call, and made his way into what looked like an office. On it was another desk computer, this one covered in sticky notes and stacks of papers surrounding it. As he got closer, he could read the notes plastered on the computer in neon colours, one caught his eye. He felt a jolt in his belly and his stomach twisted as though it wriggled with worms.

"Daniel J. Howell, 22, Dissociation & PD"

What was his name doing there? His eyes flicked to other notes and he immediately understood. On each sticky note there was a scrawled name and brief information. These must be his patients.

He went into the room directly next to it, finding himself in Phil's bedroom. The bedsheets were a shocking green and blue, each color mixing with each other. There were plushies that Dan recognized stacked on the drawers, with shoes and clothes piled on the floor. His closet doors were swung open, revealing one side with formal white shirts, and another with striking colourful shirts with uncountable patterns.

On the night stand there was a large alarm clock, Dan panicked when he realized it was after midnight. He was holding Phil's sleeping pattern! He hurried back into the living room where Phil was organising the coffee table.

"Dr. Lester!" Dan swallowed. "I mean, Phil... You don't need to stay up this late because of me. You'll be so tired in the morning." Phil only gave Dan another dazzling smile.

"Don't worry about it. I'm only going into the office tomorrow for some documents and to run some errands. It isn't an issue." Phil promised.

"But..."Dan trailed off. His mind was lost in a whirl, confusion battering his brain.

"I'm sorry for everything!" Dan blurted out, "You didn't have to do this, especially after I yelled at you and ran off. You've been nothing but kind while I've been a prick!"He gave Phil a look of somber eyes. "I mean, you're just such a good guy! Not to mention, you're all the more successful than me without even being much older. Why are you being so nice to me?"

Phil's lips were turned in a hard frown, shock lingering in his expression from Dan's outburst.

"I've been very thankful to have you around." he said evenly. "Your reactions have been natural, this day has not been a best. And," he looked directly into Dan's eyes, "I had special opportunities growing up, and graduated early. You still have plenty of time to do what you want to do in life." His expression was soft.

"I'm no better than you are just because you're my patient. I have this job because I do what I'm good at, not because I'm smarter."

There was a hard knock. The pizza must have arrived.

"And lastly..." Phil said as he picked up his wallet. "I think there are things we can both learn from each other."


	5. Chapter 5

Self-Help  
a dan and phil fanfiction  
chapter 5  
Enjoy.

Between mouthfuls of pizza, Dan & Phil had a pleasant conversation, all forms of awkwardness seemed to melt away with each passing minute. Now they were laughing over a newfound pepe meme, Dan took his chance to ask, "I never did ask you," Phil met his gaze, curious, "How old are you?"

Phil looked more relaxed than he had ever seen him, a giant sweater with a pug hugged his chest, and huge PJ pants covered his long legs. One of his arms was splayed on the couch, the other holding a slice of pizza.

"Oh, I'm 26." Dan choked on his crust, tearing his gaze back to Phil. "What?! Really?" That only put four years between the two. The outrageously uncomfortable psychiatry sessions seemed a lifetime away.

"Like I said before, special opportunities and all that. Plus, I guess you could say I'm training. This is my first year." He didn't act like it. His eyes contained a fun glow, but beneath them lay a gentle and understanding old soul.

Dan nodded, munching thoughtfully. In the back of his mind, he was aware he had not been this happy in months. He lived his life uncharacteristically bored and sad, and suddenly he's best friends with his psychiatrist. Funny.

During their talk, he had also discovered that Phil was from Manchester, not far from Dan's birth place. It was the first time he had ever lived alone before without his parents or in a University. Dan had also found out that Phil's brother worked at the same office, the attendant lady his wife. With the new information, Cornelia seemed a lot more sweet with her sing-song voice.

"Apart from my work, I usually spend my hours messing about with video games and Youtube." Phil said, his eyes not focused on anything in particular.

"What do you mean?" Dan's face grew hot, although he couldn't pinpoint why. He had a sinking feeling, the idea arising with each passing moment. If it were true, he'd have a lot of explaining to do.

"Well, I sort of do this vlog thing, it's not anything special or-"

"You're AmazingPhil?"

The older man's pupils grew huge with awe, his lips parted.

"Yeah, I am. How... did you know?" For the first time, Phil seemed totally dumbfounded, sitting silently for Dan's response.

"I actually used to do a Youtube thing too. My dad didn't want me making them, so..." he trailed off. Phil responded, "Are they still up?"

"Yes, I stopped making them but James, um, dad, doesn't really know too much about the internet to delete them all." Phil was quiet. "I was one of your subscribers at the time, I preferred people that were relatable rather than acting nuts for views."

Dan still couldn't process that right in front of him was someone he'd watched on a weekly basis. His hair was so much shorter, his face aged slightly. How could he have not recognized him? Was it the lack of a computer screen between them?

"My coworkers don't know about it, but I don't think it'll affect my career to bad. Besides, I can always quit and devote to Youtube if I like." Jokingly, Phil continued, "But I'd be too bored being by myself. I've considered a flatmate before, but I never really reached out for it."

For a split second, Dan imagined living here instead of at his own home. Waking up to bright lights and wielding colours, but a voice inside reminded him: _You barely know him. He's a stranger. He probably doesn't even like you. How do you know you're not a nuisance? Better get out while you still can, Daniel._ Dan shivered as though a draft had come slipped into the warm apartment.

Shutting out the dark thoughts, he returned his focus to Phil. His gentle eyes watched him evenly, almost intensely. Even with Dan noticing, he didn't stop gazing at him.

What is he doing? Why is he staring?

As soon as the thought slipped out, Phil's arm that had been resting on the couch went towards Dan and brushed against his cheek.

Immediately, as if on cue, Dan's heart went into a frenzy and his skin burned from contact. His senses were heightened and he could almost feel his eyes lose focus.

Phil retracted his arm, a piece of sauce on his thumb. "You had something on your face," he wiped the residue on a napkin.

Oh.

The older man stood and stretched his long limbs, letting out a small noise in the process. "Well," he looked over at Dan with those clear blue eyes, "I'm beat. I enjoyed our talking, I'd like to do it more." He gave a toothy grin, and continued. "I have a spare bedroom that connects to the office. You can sleep there tonight."

It was the first time Dan noticed the dark circles appearing under Phil's eyes, and he felt a pang of guilt.

"There's a bathroom in the farthest corner of the flat beside the Mac when you need it. Oh, hang on a second." Phil disappeared into his bedroom for a few brief moments, and appeared again with clothes. "Here are some PJs. Probably should have given them to you sooner." He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly as Dan thanked him.

Seriously, Phil could be 18. He looked like could be in Uni with Dan.

"Right, then-" Dan moved to find the second bedroom when he crashed into the coffee table and his clothes came flying out of his hands. His knee hit the floor painfully and his hands flew out to protect himself.

Almost as if he'd moved in a split-second, Phil was there, his hands bracing Dan's shoulders for support. In front of his face, Dan could see Phil's socks poking out of his pants. One was black with dancing red lobsters, the other was baby blue with corgis lacing around it.

"Whoa, are you okay? That was a big fall!" Phil exclaimed, his body pressing up against his to help him up. "I'm fine," he gasped in reply. Really, it was just a simple fall but all this touching made him breathless. It wasn't as though it was _because_ it was Phil, but more of the fact that he's rarely handled. By anyone.

Dan recalled years ago when he'd attend football games and parties, sleeping around with anyone he knew. The stupid naked photos he'd take for strangers burned like a wound in his mind.

"Come on, up you go," he hauled Dan up and checked him over for any on-coming bruises. They were so close that Phil's scent wrapped around him like a blanket, almost smothering him. It was such a nice smell, soft & fragrant.

At this point, Dan just wanted to sleep. He was so exhausted, and the wild emotions he kept receiving one after another drained him of energy. Part of him was disappointed to leave the new-found "friend" he'd made, the other couldn't wait for this roller coaster to be over.

After a brief amount of bickering, Dan makes his way to the office door and glances behind him to see Phil standing in the doorway to his own room, his calm eyes gazing straight at him. They seemed to stare straight through him, Dan found himself lingering for a moment, wondering how long a rare moment like this would last.

Phil broke away first, waving his hand and closing the door softly behind him. Spinning around, Dan sauntered into the unexplored room and looked around. There was a bed in the far corner with sheets similar to Phil's in the same cube pattern, only these were grey & black. On one corner lay a set of drawers with random knick-knacks, and on the other, an older-looking wooden piano.

Dan found himself testing a key, realising it was out of tune. If he had time, he'd like to test it out. Turning away, Dan began to undress himself into Phil's clothes. One was a jumper with a lion printed on it, and the other were baggy sweatpants. Once again, he was over-whelmed with the scent of Phil. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept in someone else's home.

After investigating the room a little further, Dan slipped into the sheets of the bed. It was hard and uncomfortable, the springs digging into his back. He didn't dare complain of the issue to Phil, after all, it was only for one night.

He made himself comfortable as possible in the creaky bed, and he closed his eyes.

Several minutes pass.

No sleep.

Ten minutes fly by.

Still restless.

He was exhausted a moment ago, what happened to that?

He stared at the ceiling and wondered of his near future. Today had been the best & worst day in a long time, and, after that, life should go back to a dreary slow speed. Dan almost wished he could visit here again, but he remembered the circumstances. He had only met Phil yesterday, it was hard to believe the older man had any sort of friendly emotion towards him.

 _After all,_ a dark voice interrupted, _You're just a client._

Immediately Dan flinched and tried to shut out the intruding thoughts.

 _Soon you'll go back to calling him Dr. Lester. The voice continued maliciously. And when he finds out about your Secondary life, and the way you feel, he'll send you to shock therapy._

 _He probably hates you._ It spat.

 _He hates you._

 _He hates you._

 _He hates you._

With a shiver, Dan clutched his knees and prayed for sleep to consume him.


	6. Chapter 6

Self-Help  
a dan and phil fanfiction  
chapter 6  
Enjoy.

 _'Dan?'_

 _Dan jerked in the wooden chair he sat on. Teenagers sat surrounding him in similar rows, all motionless, focusing on the paper in front of them. He spun around in confusion. Why was he at Uni? Was everything not real?_

 _'You have one minute left' his eyes flashed up and found a familiar face at the front of the room. His black fringe was pushed up to reveal stony blue eyes, unreadable from this far away. One minute left for what?_

 _He looked down in front of him to find stacks of papers in front of him. Except, the sheets were blank. There was nothing on them._

 _'Dan? Where are you?' The voice said again. He searched again for Phil but he wasn't there. The teacher's desk was empty._

 _Confused, Dan looked around to see what the other students were doing, before gasping in horror. The student on his left, which was a slim girl with short cropped silver hair, was expressionless. His eyes flickered for her face, but came across a mask of flesh. She had no face._

 _He jolted in his chair and swiveled to the other side to see that the boy to his right was facing him. His face-less head was aimed straight at him, the disfigured creature said on word that echoed in his brain._

 _'Dan!'_

 _At once, his reaction was to spring out of his chair and escape this hell, but he didn't move. His eyes traveled downwards to find that his wrists were bound to the chair with metal cuffs, in an almost medieval way._

 _He struggled, gasping in fear and pain as the metal dug against his skin._

 _'Get me out of here!' a voice shrieked. The faceless students were nowhere to be seen, he was alone, among rows and rows of empty chairs. 'What are you doing? Get off of me! Stop! Stop!'_

 _Dan whipped his head back and forth in a frenzy, adrenaline pumping in his veins. 'What do you want from me?' he cried out._

 _The noises piled together and jumbled into a mass of voices, all repeating one thing over and over._

 _'Dan,'_

 _'Dan,'_

 _'Dan,'_

 _'GET OUT OF MY HEAD!'_

"Dan!"

His eyes flew open and he jerked awake, his heart pounding in terror. He was drenched in a cold sweat, his eyes swiveled around the unfamiliar room in front of him. Where was he?

"Are you alright?" this voice was softer, Dan snapped his head to meet Dr. Lester's worried expression. He was biting his lip, one hand gripping Dan's arm. His milky eyes brought him back to reality, he was not in the testing room, he was in Phil's home.

"You were crying out." he spoke again.

"I'm alright," Dan shifted on the hard mattress, catching his breath. "It was just a dream. Don't worry about it."

"I'm going to worry," Phil murmured. Dan gazed out the window and saw just barely a streak of light, signaling dawn. His eyes were sticky, he felt as if he hadn't slept at all, but there was no way he'd fall into a doze anytime soon.

"Come on," Phil stood & made his way to the door. "I've got cereal waiting. Hurry before I eat it all," his joke was mild, trying to keep positive.

Dan swung his legs over the bed and stumbled blearily to the bathroom to inspect his appearance. He frowned at the circles under his eyes, flushed dark against his tan skin. His brown hair was in a mess of curls, the rain from the night before had turned him into the looks of a poodle.

After smoothing his bed head, he returned to the kitchen to where Phil was waiting. For a moment, he was totally dumbfounded by the sight & realization that this was Phil Lester, his professional therapist in mismatched socks and fringe sticking up in a quiff, stood before him. In his hands he held a bowl and a box of Crunchy Nut.

The 'Dr. Lester' he had been so suspicious and scared of was just human.

God, he didn't want to go home.

After successfully making his cereal, Dan & Phil ate in silence, occasionally making comments.

"So," Phil crunched, "What was your dream?" Before Dan could reply, 'Oh, it's nothing, don't worry about it!' he added, "I'm asking this as your psychiatrist. I feel it's better than asking in office, for you at least."

"Oh?" Dan raised his eyebrows and leaned back in his chair. "Am I your exception?" Briefly he was horrified he had even let the words come out of his mouth, but he couldn't take them back now. Who does that?!

Phil's lips parted in surprise, and he giggled.

To Dan, he classified this as a 'in the moment' kind of thing. Something that when you look back on, it's silly. But when the laughter escaped his lips, nothing was closer to music in his ears and was easily his new favorite thing to hear. Ever.

For a few moments, he just stared at Phil like an idiot. The older man fidgeted, and Dan realized he was waiting for a response. Pulling himself out of his giddy sensation, he forced himself to remember the dream.

"I was... Back at Uni," Dan began. He described the faceless classmates, the confinement to the chair, & the blank papers. He briefly went over them repeating his name, but he didn't mention seeing Phil, or hearing the voices crying out for help.

Phil stopped eating and listened attentively. His eyes never left Dan's face, even when the younger was awkwardly staring at his bowl.

"Wow," Phil grabbed his spoon after he finished. "That sounds like a lot, it must have been scary, but it's not as spooky when you get an explanation." Dan nodded for him to continue.

"Dreams aren't usually signs sent from God, which I'm sure you already know. They're more of a look into the mind, subconscious or buried thoughts escaping you." Phil was talking so fast he stumbled over a few words, he repeated himself more carefully.

"The fact that your classmates had no face was because some part of you or someone else might not be accepting you for who you are, or your identity, at least." Dan felt a pang of surprise.

"Testing is actually pretty common in the dream world," Phil continued, "It usually means you're anxious about something in real life, or there is something agitating you. You did have a pretty wild day yesterday." He smiled sympathetically. Dan was too involved with his words to bother responding.

"The being tied down, part, is the most important part, in my opinion." Dan found himself leaning forward until they were inches apart, listening intently. Phil paused for a moment and watched Dan's movements, before continuing with a slight hiccup in his smooth tone.

"There's two different types of bondage dreams. There's the kind you experienced, and the sexual kind," Was Phil blushing? "To put it simply, the dream means you are repressed in some sense, or some part of you is being held down, either by you or some other person."

Dan's mouth fell open in surprise as Phil concluded his psychological speech. He'd now given a reason for him to pursue his therapy sessions.

"That's... Accurate I guess." Why should he lie now? He'd just be making himself look stupid. "I didn't think dreams would be so technical. I thought they were just the waste of the brain."

Phil seemed to brighten. " _That's_ why I love the brain." He stood and made his way to the kitchen. Dan followed with his now empty bowl as he began to wash his dish.

After breakfast was cleaned up, they both went into separate rooms to change, Dan taking his chance to shower. While doing so, he noticed the shampoo & conditioner. One was a raspberry fusion, and the other was a rosemary scent. The raw scent of Phil overwhelmed him once again as he pressed against the shower wall. The steam ran down his back, relaxing his shoulders.

When we got out, Phil had placed more clothes on the bed. One was a long-sleeved Attack on Titan jumper, and on the other, casual black skinny jeans. Under them were a pair of red boxers & mismatched socks.

It felt weird wearing Phil's clothes, but it was much better than his filthy striped sweater. It dried funny after the rain and plastered to him awkwardly the entire night.

When he went back into the bathroom, he found a hair straightener already on and a toothbrush still in its package propped up against the toothpaste. It wasn't until Dan was in the mirror did he realize he had a stupid grin on his face, and he scrunched his nose to get rid of the expression.

After successfully taming his hair to his liking, he left feeling more fresh and prepared. Phil was sitting on the couch in a red plaid shirt, the sleeves stopping abruptly at the upper biceps. His hair was tame, Dan preferred this rather than his serious work look when he first met him.

"Hey!" Phil said after glancing up from his phone. "Before we go, I just wanted to ask you something." Dan nodded, awkwardly coming to a sitting position in a chair not-too-far from where Phil was sitting.

"I was thinking," he began, "I was trying to figure out the best way to to help you, and make everything more comfortable." He picked at his fingernails, as if he were nervous saying the words aloud. "I've never tried this strategy before, so it will definitely be a first for me." He took a soft breath.

"I thought that, maybe, we could move our sessions to here. In my apartment." Dan felt like worms wriggled in his belly. "To be honest, I deal with people who are on the brink of insanity every day. I get the harder cases because I'm younger. I don't pick and choose who I get," he paused, thinking his words carefully, "Not that I'm complaining. I'm very thankful for my job and the opportunities I have, I couldn't dream of a life without it."

Phil laughed again. It was almost like music for his ears.

"But, it isn't my choice. I haven't had many cases... Like you. Not that it's a bad thing!" He defended his statement after Dan furrowed his brows in confusion.

"You're closer to my age than any of my patients, and I feel like we can communicate easier in this environment. What do you say?"

Dan ran through his thoughts in five seconds. He absolutely did not want to go back to the stuffy office with heavy-breathing people sitting next to him, and deal with Alice flirting with Phil. The only positive thing there was Cornelia and the soldiers on Phil's desk. His eyes flicked back to the living room and remembered pizza the night before.

Dan's mind was made up before he had even considered it. A new voice spoke inside of him, clear and reserved, nothing like the rash voice he was used to.

 _Go for it, Daniel. It's your chance. Take it._

"I'd love to."

END OF CHAPTER SIX.

Please give any criticism or advice for the story! I hope the people reading enjoy it so far, I'd love feedback. See you soon!

-G


	7. Chapter 7

p data-p-id="dd55b228027a04bb726c0818a76f6163"Self-Helpbr /a dan and phil fanfictionbr /chapter 7br /Enjoy./p  
p data-p-id="2d6f2b90f4f360737975df3c78013096"It had been a month since the apartment sessions started./p  
p data-p-id="b41fffca57bd615c3e438d692277528c"Each time was better than the last, the sessions moved to two or even three times a week. Somehow, Dan wished he had a chance to see Phil more than he did, but his job often prohibited him from seeing him during the day. He avoided staying the night unless he was locked out again, but he couldn't stop himself from being at Phil's whenever he possibly could./p  
p data-p-id="4c87c7dde7933470df16d4d76f3b8653"The last thing he wanted to do was make Phil tired of seeing him./p  
p data-p-id="52f4945c6c91b50fd983dbc6ae4ef4e3"A few days ago Phil had suggested that they change the environment up again, this time getting lunch./p  
p data-p-id="0b4ccd279a1cefe87f437eb2da9ef803"He'd spent the morning messing about with the hem of his shirt, wondering if it looked too dumb or not. He'd chosen a short-sleeved black shirt with a white ring on the front, an eclipse look. Of course, he sported a thick coat for the outside air./p  
p data-p-id="49609e298ca846629dbced324fb242c8"Dan had always worn long-sleeved in front of people, but Phil had given him a new confidence he didn't have before./p  
p data-p-id="c3a58e4152273585552217e6e82f964c"His eyes traveled outside of the taxi at the winter-wonderland outside, most streets practically empty because of the freezing temperatures./p  
p data-p-id="7dd078e9f7bafb5acfaad20d1afa57e8"After stopping at the coffee shop, he'd searched for Phil, but he hadn't arrived yet. Dan sat close to a window and waited for his arrival./p  
p data-p-id="7ecda54872e2f1fd851d48c37dddaef1"Phil had never been late for an appointment before. Several minutes passed that stretched into a quarter of an hour, Dan found himself extra impatient./p  
p data-p-id="2f8bd460122b6cc6840993d5b38a2724"His hands trailed invisible designs into the table awkwardly saying to an employee, "Oh, he'll be here soon," whenever they tried to take his order./p  
p data-p-id="cd5269be36cffa4803512bb20271d3fe"At last, he saw Phil hurrying through the door carrying a big brown paper bag. He set it down beside the table and sat heavily. He was dressed in a white long-sleeved button up, the sleeves rolled back to show his arms. A blue patterned tie hung from his neck, it had been weeks since Dan had seen him in his formal attire./p  
p data-p-id="105f80f99e4a85b3023b638b172d8a19"He seemed almost out of breath, his eyes flicking around as if he hadn't had time to relax all day./p  
p data-p-id="91083b24dcc0a28b8bbc99882f4996e1""Are you okay?" Dan asked softly./p  
p data-p-id="95fc67448da4480bbb6967e310ff8c3a"When Phil had finally settled, his eyes met Dan's seriously./p  
p data-p-id="5136b8acfdb105913fbf9a7118a84dd1""Yeah, I'm alright. Tell me about your past few days?"/p  
p data-p-id="d0a5d070f93d9a3eab3a21103d93feea"Dan launched into the voices he's heard and how he's been doing, what his dad has said and how he's been handling things. It only lasted a few minutes, as the horrible voice he'd been hearing rarely came to him./p  
p data-p-id="3006a9f01266aafa2b5dcbfef23406c7""And you?" Dan said when he had finished."How have you been doing? You seem sort of out of it."/p  
p data-p-id="cca87c8233d267055eca1aaca294cac0"While the younger was talking, Phil eventually relaxed into his normal friendly look. He picked at his hands, but other than that he showed no sign of problems./p  
p data-p-id="70d7595e6ea5336169043936229f801a""Oh, I've been good. But, there's a reason I preferred this day to be a bit different. It's... A special day, I guess."/p  
p data-p-id="747e6f66d6308f62023d25521a39a931"Dan immediately went through each holiday in his head, but he couldn't remember one for today emWhat was special about January 30th?/em/p  
p data-p-id="afca362654f8e674ccc213bc42882b54"Phil reached into the brown paper bag and brought out a white cardboard box, folded neatly on each side. Dan's curiosity grew as he began opening it with slender fingers. At last, when the box popped open he got a waft of a sugary, sweet scent./p  
p data-p-id="8f085c3469840ff0dd7d5da0c6ea184e"He leaned closer to peer into the box and saw what was left of a baby blue birthday cake, cut just enough for two slices./p  
p data-p-id="1f46dc3252d309bd93aef786c316d96b""Wait," Dan looked at Phil closely, and it hit him. "It's your birthday?!"/p  
p data-p-id="6baebad4bc3b5797cc29e4d035a95a03"Sheepishly, he nodded and gave Dan the same silly smile. "I had to run out of my mum's house before she could catch me. I wondered how long it's been since you've had birthday cake."/p  
p data-p-id="fd4d29bd215d510c4b66efe29007615c"Dan's mind was reeling. Part of him was horrified he didn't have a gift for Phil, part of him was overflowing with honour as Phil had specifically taken time out of his day to see him./p  
p data-p-id="039d52e5af31eabeb6159928ad730018"Soon the waiters gave them plates, and threw in a free coffee as a gift./p  
p data-p-id="4f71ced6f1ac4e726e37f64f3eade5c0""I hope you like blueberry," Phil said, "My mum made it herself."/p  
p data-p-id="ea8ef397458228e54f136ce888eeb3bb"It was the best cake Dan had ever tasted./p  
p data-p-id="da2b4e0f29f3e768bbc2789b8d93c5bc"It didn't take long to demolish what Phil had brought for the two of them. They now chatted comfortably about random things, as they normally did. Dan's grin could only be removed with a slap to the face./p  
p data-p-id="c12a78b2919f21dd196cf780d85e49b3"Even though they were doing what they usually did, something still seemed off about Phil. He picked at his nails and averted his eyes more than usual. His shoulders shifted and his laugh didn't seem so real./p  
p data-p-id="c7d2446d9ae2a114fed640921164d59a"Dan itched to know what it was, but he waited patiently for Phil to say something./p  
p data-p-id="069ba4c1f96f771d8e52a1a3b14aae62"Eventually, the older man wiped his mouth and began to speak./p  
p data-p-id="cceed8ecde2f9358ae827d0f0a370d7e""This isn't the only reason I wanted to make today an important day." He cracked another half smile./p  
p data-p-id="74cb0fcc76a65981eeac86665aae680b"Phil's uncomfortableness seemed almost overwhelming as he put on a positive expression. He reached into the bag and pulled out an envelope of papers his hands snaking over them carefully./p  
p data-p-id="4917223c1d5263f2f00c8c0b9c3a9f7c"He pulled several out and put them in front of Dan./p  
p data-p-id="2ad79426404efd03d87e969b83a2f13e""I think you're healthy enough to discontinue sessions." Phil stated./p  
p data-p-id="c9f0f9f36fa67dc990a9821aedd93d7a"Dan didn't speak./p  
p data-p-id="fa2359ae99764ed7a5705c03d738bc65"Feelings crashed over him in ways he had never experienced, emotions were pulled apart into tattered strings. He swallowed and blinked tears away./p  
p data-p-id="5d983f4b4cb9288d703f55d4317c9a78"He did not show his brutal reaction./p  
p data-p-id="c4431a61273376b46864a87d60ae64ab""You've improved faster than any of my patients before, and I'm more than thankful to have been given this opportunity." Phil straightened his shoulders and gave Dan a somber look, as if he didn't like saying the words aloud./p  
p data-p-id="979029342610726360c0abb30a2f79ea"Dan signed the papers, holding his breath. The raw energy in between them crackled as their bond was coming to an end./p  
p data-p-id="fddd21b9d7ce17da93c30fa5a653a1df"*****/p  
p data-p-id="db5ef007ac16bc0710d7102a6ab17788"Sadness seemed to overwhelm Phil./p  
p data-p-id="f7a4bd5e5c5fe072feafaa6d58050319"He was going against everything he initially wanted, but self-control warned him of the mistakes he could make if he weren't careful. After all, Daniel Howell was only twenty-two, unaware of the gifts he obtained./p  
p data-p-id="a63cbf8e030264227d0e173b32936554"Gifts Phil couldn't express without passing boundaries. He couldn't tell Dan how his chocolate coloured eyes burned him with such a powerful intensity, he'd almost lose his cool in front of him many times./p  
p data-p-id="8993036024210b68a4fab69dd5443155"Dan Howell's aura put Phil in a place he didn't know how to escape. A feeling he'd never had before, for any other person./p  
p data-p-id="4965a16116bb3a001f27daccfcd524d1"He had to be careful./p  
p data-p-id="475d19ddb5e5bafd02e604fc2528b08e"Phil had to leave now, before he made all the wrong decisions./p  
p data-p-id="773ff6e84bebfa189eb71857ebbefc48"*****/p  
p data-p-id="60ea582b77c93ed6dc91cfc0ad2269ca"Dr. Lester's lips were pressed in a straight line as he paid for Dan's taxi home. He'd hardly shown any emotion after he signed the papers, except for when he insisted on paying for Dan's ride. "You have much better things to use your money for," Phil had said hotly./p  
p data-p-id="838ee4270e83c45f63e93428ed9f47c3"As soon as Dan got home, the house seemed colder than before. The walls looked more bland, halls more empty. His surroundings seemed to be drained of all colour./p  
p data-p-id="8cc399611d23556240dd5a6ec90764f8"Dan's hands trailed on items that were abandoned on his bedside table, and rested on a glass cup. His eyes stared at nothing as he froze, the downpour in his mind demolished everything he'd built, no, Phil had built./p  
p data-p-id="492bfde69e54f38a5a3f7812155c36e1""Damn it!" Dan's arm moved on its own as it flew forward, the glass shattered against the wall, pieces flying in every direction./p  
p data-p-id="1e6a3da6443faf95327e54c797daa5eb""Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!" his voice rose to a wail as he grabbed items without looking and hurling them where the remains of the cup was./p  
p data-p-id="08501f7e88009c11ff1335445c34ed1f""Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck everything!" He didn't know who he was screaming at. His cheeks burned as tears stained them, tasting the liquid as it trickled into his mouth through clenched teeth./p  
p data-p-id="db568c06206e2ca1a072f77dad5ba93d"As if the weather outside matched his emotions, thunder rolled and shook the floor./p  
p data-p-id="f9d3b9af4410b967e756b76f56811355"Dan kicked his dresser repeatedly until his foot connected with splintering wood. His hands hit against the untouched part, hitting with all the emotions he buried under, despair choked him and his vulnerability terrified Dan./p  
p data-p-id="ee96d6dcc9181f9c7f45ad66f12acb91"His bruised hands found his face as he slid to the floor, defeated. His breaths came in choked gasps and he scrunched his eyes shut./p  
p data-p-id="ae8905e10dbe7b1bd6b105410750865e"The reason Dan had reacted so horribly was lost to him. He was lost in a sea of loneliness and he wondered what was to happen in his future./p 


	8. Chapter 8

Self-Help  
a dan and phil fanfiction  
chapter 8  
Enjoy.

"Dan, what have you been on about?"

He didn't look up when his mother made the loud accusation at the dinner table. Dan picked at his food, hardly eating much of anything.

When he didn't answer, his father made a comment.

"I saw the marks on your dresser. You should work on your punches, you hit like a pussy."

"James!" his mum snapped, "Not at the table!"

"Actually. It's fine." Dan stood up and made his way to the stairs. "It's whatever."

He ignored his parents accusing comments and bounded up the stairs, and didn't stop until he was on his bed with his head in his hands.

He'd gone a week and a half since the sessions stopped, and hasn't attended University, either. Dan spent his days laying in bed, or staring at walls. He felt almost lost without Phil to talk to. Loneliness ate at him like a disease, he missed the older man so much.

He didn't understand why.

He wasn't gay. He didn't like men.

So why did he get so worked up? Dan initially assumed that their closeness was natural between psychiatrist and patient, but was it really?

Why did he feel so choked up with Phil not around?

He didn't have time to give much thought on it. He heard shuffling outside his door, a gruff voice and a panicked mum.

James threw the door open, hard enough for it to slam against the wall and shudder. Immediately Dan jerked as he sauntered towards him, his fists clenched. His mum cowered in the shadows of the doorway, her eyes watching them.

"So that's what this is all about?" he hissed into his face. "Because you quit your fucking therapy?" Dan's heart pounded as he got closer menacingly.

"I should have known you'd turn into a faggot!" he spat. "What, you think I didn't notice you sneaking off to that shit-head's apartment? Did you suck his cock while telling him about your pathetic problems?" Dan flinched, but didn't reply. Any comment could make it worse for himself.

His father grabbed him with a tight fist, and dragged him out of the room, Dan barely had just enough time to snatch his phone from the dresser. He stumbled down the stairs with James still gripping his wrist painfully. He slung Dan to the door and pushed him out into the freezing air.

He stumbled down the steps and blinked at his father's silhouette.

"You aren't allowed in this house until you learn what it's like to live like a queer." James sneered. "Go on, find the friends you don't have." When Dan didn't move immediately, he shouted, "Now!" Leaving Dan to stagger into the road.

His father slammed the door, and he was left in the dark street.

Alone.

For the first few minutes Dan aimlessly trailed sidewalks, pausing under lamp posts form warmth. He fought tears over and over, the cold making his eyes stream.

Where was he going to sleep? He had no money. His phone was dead.

He couldn't sleep out here, he'd risk freezing to death in his light clothing.

Shivering, Dan continued to walk.

It felt like years his feet continued to step one after the other, going into unrecognized streets and allies. Eventually, the buildings began to widen and get bigger as he approached city roads.

His teeth chattered painfully, he gripped his sides as cold continued to seep into his bones. If he didn't get warm soon, his body could risk damage.

Not that he mattered anyway.

It had to have been around two in the morning when he spun around a corner and came across a building he recognized. It was tall, achingly familiar as Dr. Lester flashed in his mind.

"No," Dan said aloud. "I won't do it."

"Won't do what?" an unfamiliar voice said. Dan spun around to find someone cowering just behind a street post. They got closer, and fear began to go up his spine as she came into view. Her hair was in tatters, bundles of jackets supporting her. Dirt smudged her wrinkled face, and when she moved her mouth, she was missing several teeth.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, before mentally cursing himself for making a conversation. "Well, I don't know if you can tell, but I don't have a home," her voice had a snarky edge that surprised Dan. "But, that doesn't mean I don't have a place to sleep tonight. Do you?"

Dan hesitated, before dropping his gaze and muttering, "No."

"Do you know someone over there?" She questioned. He nodded meekly as she turned her attention to the building.

"Come with me," she began nudging him towards it, after a brief consideration Dan felt as though this were better than wandering the streets again.

"I'm Susanne. And you?"

"Dan"

"Catchy" she muttered as she neared the same glass doors.

"You can't get in there," Dan warned, "It's got a pin code." Susanne ignored him as she began pushing buttons in a quick and rapid method. The pin box flashed green, and he heard the door click.

His mouth fell open with shock as she pulled the door open for him.

"I have a photographic memory, _Dan_ ," she said. "Your lips have gone blue and you need warmth soon. Go in."

"No, I can't do it." he put his ice-cold hands up and took a step back. She still held the door, her eyes narrowing.

"I've seen you go in there with that doctor. He hasn't come out in a couple of days, you know." Dan's heart plummeted with nervousness at her statement. What did that mean?

"If you don't go see him, I will," she snapped. "There's nothing else you can do, unfortunately."

Susanne grabbed his wrist with her freezing hands and jerked his body into the heated lobby. Before he could object, she slammed the door and made her way back to where she originally was sat.

"Thank-you!" Dan called, but she didn't turn back.

She was right about the cold, though. His head had begun to spin as he reached his second hour of being out in the frozen weather. When in the elevator, Dan had to lean against the rail to catch his breathing that came in short gasps. His lungs ached painfully at the transition of temperatures, his vision blurring.

At last, Dan pulled himself out into the eleventh floor and counted the numbers on the doors.

1137, 1138, 1139, 1140, 1141...

1142.

His fingers pushed as hard as they could against the doorbell, but he wasn't entirely sure if he had actually pressed it or not, as they had gone numb. His mind reeled and he became more dizzy from nerves that racked his brain.

The knob turned, and a familiar face peeked out, before swinging it open.

"Dan?!"

Before he could make a reply, his whole world shifted and he found the floor rushing up to meet him.


	9. Chapter 9

p data-p-id="c7522cf25686116dcdbfb95b66fcd9dd"Self-Helpbr /a dan and phil fanfictionbr /chapter 9br /Enjoy./p  
p data-p-id="e12a0a17b1cf18aeaf0840873835f022"The first thing Dan knew was that his head hurt./p  
p data-p-id="798a75e890a12fe0d347f501e95c61cd"He didn't know where he was, or why his body burned. He blinked a single eye open to find a big alarm clock staring at him. Beside it was a glass of water and a thermometer. The bed was soft and comfortable, but the warmth overwhelmed his limbs. Dan sat up, and his muscles immediately protested./p  
p data-p-id="5d5d4b73addff7bc2b30cbb2a59bf4e0"When he recognized the blue and green checkered sheets, that's when he remembered what had happened previously./p  
p data-p-id="59a0717d32c5f12ae441b94d7c22d226"How had he gotten here?/p  
p data-p-id="771c32e8fe3c1cced149657b3a8dfe2f"Glancing down, the bright yellow jumper that he wore wasn't the clothing he had left his home in. And instead of sporting jeans, thick pajama pants hugged his legs. Dan moved to clamber off of the bed when his fingers brushed against something soft in the process./p  
p data-p-id="54bb3754130ca99e757fdb4d415e6de3"His breath caught when his eyes rested on a sleeping Phil, his lips puckered out slightly. At once Dan spun around and scrabbled off of the bed, but that only woke him. Phil seemed confused and began to rub his eyes drowsily, Dan took his chance and darted to the bathroom./p  
p data-p-id="73a33724d26e79d8a6b51429a0a99b04"He looked emawful/em./p  
p data-p-id="a924e9269e52f9218d91b42a13eae422"His normal light-brown eyes were dull with exhaustion and his hair was stuck to one side. Dan's skin was a sickly pale, as well as a sheen of sweat glossing his face. Dark circles hung just below his eyes, his lips chapped and turned down./p  
p data-p-id="0cd347c7b80bff5b84e2722eb09c6847"Another thought occurred to him: How had he gotten into these clothes?/p  
p data-p-id="d0a8749b1491c0b40a4e45cc6bc77ab2""Dan," a soft voice spoke just outside the door. "Are you alright? Can I get you something?"/p  
p data-p-id="6bfb6d21f171c1b1bde167f7c86f877d"He wished he hadn't come. This just keeps getting worse./p  
p data-p-id="953178cab2b39267aec04e8d4b531f9f""Yes, I'm fine," Dan's voice came out shrill, he paused to clear his throat. "I'll be out in just a minute." he smoothed his hair in an attempt at making himself more presentable, and splashed his face with water./p  
p data-p-id="3e9bc48e72446cf43fe81bebd7cb86c9"It's just human interaction./p  
p data-p-id="cbd074b40062b462518d7a15e1c39c7a"Before he could change his mind, he opened the door. Phil immediately came into view with brows furrowed. For a moment, Dan was sure he was looking at the wrong person. His black hair was a tousled mess, and his chin was lined with stubble. His blue eyes were dull and his lips seemed to be stuck in a permanent frown. His glasses were slid down his nose./p  
p data-p-id="a6da14d6967cbf9430ca133a68f9924a""What were you doing in front of my door?" Phil said before Dan could open his mouth. "Your fingers were blue and your clothes were practically frozen."/p  
p data-p-id="7612b8d799cd966c6e95af6b495be060"Phil motioned for Dan to follow him to the couch, and waited for an answer. It had been over a month since he looked this worried./p  
p data-p-id="67c74c608e2e52eca42e16f56a404387""My dad, he..." Dan trailed off. "He kicked me out."/p  
p data-p-id="88b67f9e216b73e5fafe9b24bd652901""Oh, no," Phil's voice came out in a whisper./p  
p data-p-id="8e99a300d37ab486962f9759f9dd0d53""What happened when after I got here? How did I get in these clothes?" Dan couldn't remember anything other than he dizziness and chill./p  
p data-p-id="e38c32307622febb3ccf860ce1b1ce5f""I called 999 and asked for what to do," Phil explained, "When I gave them your temperature, they said you had mild hypothermia." Had Dan really been outside that long? It surely didn't seem like it./p  
p data-p-id="7aac8303eff14315f8e71f139f07a973""I did whatever they told me to do. Ran a luke-warm bath and placed you in it-still in your clothes of course- and then changed the wet ones into softer clothing. They also said that human contact was best, so I thought it was best to save all the awkward bants and just get you warm first." he finished./p  
p data-p-id="e96b56567553b5759d03c509ed93a9da"Dan was too busy taking in what he had said to notice Phil's look of despair. He'd moved him around so much and he didn't even wake? He wasn't surprised if Phil thought he was dead!/p  
p data-p-id="17e015b8bee2093d27f05da69eea1219"Another thought reminded him that, if Phil changed him, he saw under his clothes. His cheeks took a darker red as he turned and looked around the room./p  
p data-p-id="cd1f65ceca736d359c1b975bdeed3078"It was not as neat as he last remembered it, there were clothing littered in various spots, alcohol bottles lining each table, some were crushed up cans./p  
p data-p-id="0618349d24799aae31c4d0ddf9cc18b8"From the looks, Phil wasn't doing so good./p  
p data-p-id="a18c9141e40a532ae4e207d756bf33f1""Phil..." Dan began nervously, "Are you okay?"/p  
p data-p-id="5a5b0f25c00afe8d7e27ffdcb3721436"The dark-haired man's attention snapped towards him, and he quickly nodded./p  
p data-p-id="6b74aac0add7618261163e756759d27a""Yes, I just, I-" he stopped stuttering and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, Dan felt a comfort from looking into the familiar warm gaze./p  
p data-p-id="1c5cdfddfecbf8c484a621b0d4f9234f""I don't think it's best we talk about this, Dan." Phil's voice took an octave it never had, he sounded as though he were giving him some sort of warning./p  
p data-p-id="5be6aeeae85c331358ce1d5ee732e58a""Tell me," Dan insisted. What could be so bad, anyway?/p  
p data-p-id="b2323eed43661f9e527581388515038d"Phil sighed, and ran his hand through his hair./p  
p data-p-id="2eb46e98d264ce8fb55ea0408639759a""I haven't been doing so good recently. These past few days, I don't know. I've never had a mid-life crisis before, and I-"/p  
p data-p-id="164ad5beea60d5a6331cee59e60af0fa""I've been feeling that way before too!" Dan interrupted. Phil blinked at him, mild surprise gathering in his expression./p  
p data-p-id="778ae031f6a07817aa72cb6dedac279c""Why did you quit the sessions?" Dan's voice was quiet. "I obviously needed more, more help, medications, something-" He stopped himself. He took a breath, and ended with, "I needed you, Phil."/p  
p data-p-id="b447cc2ace20fb90f495115bb368ad4d"Everything seemed to add up to Dan. Why he'd been acting so tense, why he felt so empty. He was missing the parts of his day that gave him the best feeling./p  
p data-p-id="51fa6531506dd6421bd23f5b6d7188a7"Phil's eyes widened. "Dan..." he trailed off./p  
p data-p-id="a0f47d877b83a9e327a409c7e2bd1137""I had to end the sessions. I had to." Phil edged closer. "There was nothing else I could do, Dan. Don't you see?" his pupils grew and shrank vividly. "We were becoming to attached to one another! It's against the emlaw/em to have anything but a simple relationship between therapist and patient. That's not what happened, and I couldn't risk ruining your improvement by my own problems." Phil sighed, and looked down. "I couldn't risk it."/p  
p data-p-id="bb021d9e2c5bf4bb232e083756f1f015"Dan was struggling to take in all of this new information. Phil was becoming attached to him?/p  
p data-p-id="807a0423f38005680fe2e41527a2752d""I wanted to be your friend," Phil breathed, "The first rule we learn as psychologists is not to get attached. 'They are not your friend. They are your patient.' I got upset when you were hurt, angry when you talked about what the kids used to do to you. Don't you see why that's wrong?"/p  
p data-p-id="71d4f27421b066688cdc89d384ec2ca7"Phil pinched the bridge of his nose and took a few breaths. When he turned his attention back to the younger boy, Dan had his mind made up./p  
p data-p-id="c6f654eb72ac458e6e546549ed074230""Then be my friend."/p  
p data-p-id="184826be0ea6837abb5851807f7a9e2b""What?"/p  
p data-p-id="3fa1259b5995c892dec44e95242616e4""I'm not your patient anymore," Dan pointed out, "Is there any lawbreaking in that?" Phil blinked as if he'd been too troubled to consider it./p  
p data-p-id="8e26f1bf08fbb754f7ef250eb0274c35""I'm you're exception, aren't I?" he inched closer. Brown eyes met blue, and for a moment they gazed at each other. No words were spoken but it was enough to iterate what was unsaid./p  
p data-p-id="17ea3d07bbacd349f9179ca03c837f24""You're my friend, Phil." he said quietly./p  
p data-p-id="746dcf35a732132b33ba19bf9ab532d2"Phil seemed to gain his composure and broke the stare-off./p  
p data-p-id="6d5e189065f1526f4a06280d8d1913eb""Right," he said. "I should probably have picked up before you woke up."/p  
p data-p-id="f5474156b9119a12e0ce7a6e1cbb0cdb"Dan went along with Phil changing the subject, and they both began to clean up the messy apartment./p  
p data-p-id="4d96a5c3a72032e62a5f8ca0bbade43d"In the back of his mind, Dan only wondered one thing./p  
p data-p-id="8da66a6539f3a903c2d656d1fd2b1ce3"emWhat's going to happen now?/em/p 


	10. Chapter 10

Self-Help  
a dan and phil fanfiction  
chapter 10  
Enjoy.

In the days following, Dan hadn't visited his home. He ate, bathed, and slept at Phil's house, watching movies and competing in video-games.

When Dan was left alone, he would investigate small corners of the apartment or things he hadn't looked at yet.

Today, he spent the day mindlessly wandering Twitter, before he accidentally exited his tabs, bringing him to the home screen, which was a photo of several baby otters splashing in water.

He was greeted with rows of folders, each labeled with totally different categories. One was 'Why robots would take over the world', and another 'Court Files II'. His eyes rested on one labeled in big letters: 'UNI'.

Curiosity itched at him. He hated being nosy, but the idea of learning something knew about Phil stuck to him.

Dan tried visiting other websites, but the folder kept coming back to his mind. Sighing dramatically, he minimized the tab and trained his eyes on the file. Just one look.

Inside, a mass of photos, documents, and videos popped up. He clicked on one at random, and a photo of (he looked so different!) Phil & a group of teenagers appeared. Phil's hair was short and pushed up in a spike, surrounded by a group of people. His arms were around a boy and a girl, they were all frozen in intense laughter. Dan went to the next one, and was greeted with yet another one with Phil looking so much younger, pressing his cheek against a pretty girl with long brunette hair.

Each photo contained Phil looking young and confident, surrounded by groups of people who were adults now. He continued to notice the same dark haired-girl in the photos, they seemed to always be close to each other, touching in some way.

Whoops, Dan thought. This isn't my business.

Whatever previous relationships Phil had didn't have anything to do with him now, he shouldn't think anymore of it.

But he did.

Closing the tab, he wondered what all there was to Phil, how many secrets he really had. He didn't have time to ponder on it, he spun around when he heard the door click.

Phil came in shivering, breaking out into a smile when seeing Dan. "You'd think it'd be a little warmer outside!" he huffed. He lugged his normal brief case with him, and a few shopping bags in his other hand. Curiously, Dan tried to get a better look.

"No looking!" Phil moved the bags out of view. "Not yet, at least."

Dan watched him glide across the flat with wide eyes, wondering what he had planned. The older man came out of the office, loosening the green tie around his neck. "How was work?" Dan inquired.

"Interesting. One girl got so upset she vomited in the bin next to my desk, I'll spare you of the details."

Dan laughed and followed Phil as he headed into the kitchen.

"Whoa, since when have you cooked?" he was eyeing the stir fry Dan had prepared earlier. "You work all day, and I sit on my ass. I should at least do something to compensate for my stay," he glanced to the side awkwardly. "You don't have to eat it if you don't want to."

"I bet it's the best stir fry out there." Phil brightened and began to pull plates out of the cabinet. It was embarrassing to think about how domestic all of this seemed, not that Dan minded.

They were half-way through their meal when Phil mentioned the bags again. "I'll be back." he said before dashing in the other room. He returned with big glass bottles and sat them on the counter in front of them, along with fancy glasses.

"You know what today is, don't you?"

Dan hadn't been keeping track of the days as they passed, he shook his head.

"It's Valentine's Day." Dan's heart immediately sprang to work and pounded in his chest before Phil even finished speaking. "Since we're both single adult men, I felt we could spend the evening like any other, getting drunk and watching movies. You in?"

Inwardly, Dan cursed himself for freaking out for nothing- what was there to worry over, anyway? Phil was straight, and so was he. But Phil was right, he hadn't bothered to count the days and realize it was February 14th.

Eventually they chose Avatar, settling down on opposite sides of the couch with wine in their hands. It wasn't a particular favorite, but Phil had made a good choice, it was strong and fragrant, giving Dan a warm feeling that spread through his body.

It had been a long time since Dan drank, it wasn't long before his vision began to blur. He swung his head to look at Phil, who still seemed totally normal, his eyes fixated on the screen.

God, he was so pretty. In the dim light, Phil's black hair glowed, and his fair skin stood out against the contrasting grey couch.

Dan tried to focus back on the movie, but the blue people- Avatars- didn't seem to interest him. After three or four glasses (he was losing count), he had to pee. He stood unsteadily, and announced his leave particularly loud.

Phil gave him a look of raised eyebrows, and laughed at his stumbling movements.

After a particularly hard time using the restroom, Dan came back out with his fly undone. Phil noticed as he passed, but when he opened his mouth to warn him, he was caught off guard as a drunk Dan plopped down right next to Phil, practically on top of him. He rested his head on Phil's arm, and blinked slowly at the bright screen.

What were they watching again? Who was he watching with? Oh yeah, Phil.

Wait, were the Avatars kissing? He squinted, and recognized two blue shapes trained on one another, their lips attached and their hands traveling.

Dan turned to look at Phil, his gaze finding his neck. It was strained from looking at the TV, his eyes followed up to his jawline, then his lips, his crooked nose, and then his eyes. His beautiful blue eyes that were full of multiple colours, eyes that were staring straight at him.

Wait, what?

Dan forced himself to focus in his hazy state and saw that Phil's eyes were still looking, watching his movements. They were closer than Dan had remembered, he didn't realize he had sat so near.

"Sorry," Dan hiccuped and shuffled awkwardly with his long limbs to move himself to the other side of the couch, but Phil's hand stopped him.

It rested on his knee, and didn't move.

Dan stared at it, before slowly looking up and finding Phil giving him an intense look. Confused, he gazed back. Dan's eyes wandered to his cheekbones, down farther, farther, farther... He finished by training his eyes on a pair of lips.

They were soft-looking to Dan, pursed and curved in the most perfect way. He couldn't figure out whose lips they were, but his alcohol-induced brain gave him one instinct.

Dan leaned forward, and bumped noses to the person that owned them. His mouth found theirs and he felt a gasp as he gently moved against them. For a moment, they were unmoving against Dan's until slowly returning the soft pecks. The owner of these lips pushed Dan forward until he rested on his back, a shadow hovering above him as he tangled his hands in dark locks.

The kiss began to get increasingly more quick & rough, Dan was a mess beneath them. He gripped their shirt, pulling them closer and grinding himself against the leg nestled between his, craving friction.

At once, the stranger pulled away and said, "Dan, you're drunk. We should stop now."

He knew that voice, why couldn't he pin point it?

"Don't wanna." Dan muttered in response. He pulled the person back over him, his lips traveling on their neck. They shuddered, and tried again. "We really shouldn't, this isn't what you want-"

"Just shut up and kiss me," Dan snapped. The silhouette of the person watched him, their dark hair shining in the dim light of a forgotten movie. He knew that face, he knew those eyes.

But, Dan didn't stop him when he slowly leaned forward and connected their lips again.


End file.
